Ye Xiu, I'm Pregnant
by jellysunfish
Summary: Written for Christmas 2018. Allye. Crack. In which Ye Xiu doesn't realize that men can't get pregnant


(1)

One day, when Ye Xiu was still young, his father pulled him aside to teach him a lesson about being an honorable man.

"Xiu-er, you're the heir of the family, so I'm going to teach you something very important that you mustn't forget, okay?"

"Okay, father." Little Ye Xiu revered his father's words like a filial child, unlike how he would be as he grew up.

"If you ever get someone pregnant, you have to take responsibility and marry them. It's somewhat shameful having a child out of wedlock, but it's even more shameful to leave a child without a father, do you understand?"

"I understand father, I'll remember."

What Father Ye didn't realize was that this lesson would be so well remembered by his son...

...And that his eldest would run away before he could take Sex Ed...

(2)

"Ye Xiu, I'm pregnant."

They were just finished eating dinner. To celebrate winning a local Glory competition, they had splurged a little on food and Ye Xiu had made his grandmother's secret recipe for pork dumplings.

"W-what?"

Su Muqiu rubbed his full belly jokingly. "It's your fault."

"It- it is?"

"Haha, yeah. I'm too fu-"

Ye Xiu interrupted. "Muqiu, let's get married."

"Okay!" The acceptance of the impromptu marriage proposal was confused, but immediate.

"Yay! When's the wedding?" Mucheng giggled. She was excited to be getting a new brother-in-law.

"It will have to be before the baby is born. Muqiu, let's go pick up the marriage license forms and pick out rings, okay?" He took Muqiu by the hand and started dragging him out the door.

Muqiu looked over his shoulders to make eye contact with his sister. Wait, did Ye Xiu think he was serious? She shrugged and then gave a thumbs up. Good going big brother!

Well, it was a strange misunderstanding, but it was letting him get married to his best friend and the man of his dreams, so he decided to just let it be. What could possibly happen?

(3)

They were lying in bed together, discussing baby names for the non-existent bun in his stomach.

"You can't name a child Lord Grim, Ye Xiu."

"Why not? Lord Grim is basically our child in Glory, why can't he be our child in real life?"

"Can you imagine a kid standing up in front of his primary school class and saying 'hi everyone, my name is Lord Grim'?"

" _Yes."_

"No."

Ye Xiu sighed and patted Muqiu's stomach where the non-existent bun was.

"Muqiu, how are babies made anyway?"

"Uhhhhhhh..." Muqiu was in a tight spot. If he told the truth, wouldn't he be exposed? And then where would their marriage be?

"When a man and... uh another person like each other very much and spend some time together... sometimes it will result in a pregnancy." He wasn't technically lying, right?

"Oh. I see."

Great. No more questions.

"So that's how little Lord Grim was made..."

"For the last time we're not naming it Lord Grim!"

(4)

After Excellent Era's home game match against Tyranny, Ye Xiu and Han Wenqing decided to go out to get ramen. In the darkness of the night, reflecting the yellow lights of the streetlamps, Han Wenqing noticed something glittering against Ye Xiu's neck.

"What's that?"

"This?" Ye Xiu pulled the silver chain out of his shirt. On it dangled two rings, one that he recognized as the championship ring, and another, silver in color.

"What's the second ring from?"

A smirk. "That's the championship ring."

Han Wenqing's mouth twitched in a scowl. "The other one."

"That's my wedding ring."

Han Wenqing stopped in his tracks. He looked quite funny with his eyes bugging out.

"You're married?!"

"Ah. I'm a widow, sadly. I would have been a father too, but unfortunately we lost the baby when we lost Muqiu. You probably knew that guy as Autumn Tree."

Han Wenqing was puzzled. He remembered Autumn Tree was always hanging around One Autumn Leaf back in the first server. He had heard him speak a couple of times. Wasn't Autumn Tree a guy? How did he make a baby?

"He was pregnant?"

"Yeah. I was shocked too." Ye Xiu kicked a pebble down the street. "Muqiu would have made a good father. I didn't even realize that I had gotten him pregnant. But you know how it goes, when a man and another person like each other and spend some time together... And then there was no choice but to marry him. Though, we were best friends so, I might've married him anyway."

"I'm sorry for your loss..." Han Wenqing managed to choke out despite his disbelief. Was Ye Qiu really so naive? If so...

"Ye Qiu, the truth is, I'm pregnant."

"What? With whose child?"

He crossed his fingers behind his back. "It's yours."

"Mine? I guess we have been spending some time together... but I didn't realize..." Ye Xiu shook his head and then took Han Wenqing's hand between his own. "I'll take responsibility. Let's get married."

Score.

(5)

"Ye Qiu, why are you writing Ye Xiu on the marriage license?"

"That's my real name, Old Han. Rejoice. You are now one of the very few who know."

"Oh."

(6)

There were rumors circling around the pro scene that Han Wenqing was married. To Ye Qiu, of all people. While this made the fangirls really happy, it made Zhang Jiale very sad. He decided to confront Ye Qiu directly after one of Excellent Era's home game matches.

"Ye Qiu, are you really married to Han Wenqing?"

"Oh? So you've heard?" He was about to light a cigarette, but instead offered it to Zhang Jiale. Zhang Jiale shook his head in refusal.

"It's not just a rumor? You really are married?"

Ye Qiu shrugged and lit the cigarette. "Yup. I accidentally got Han Wenqing pregnant, so I can only take responsibility by marrying him."

"Wait, sorry. Did you say, you got him pregnant?" There was no way Han Wenqing was pregnant. Ye Qiu must be playing some sort of crude joke on him, right?

"Yeah." Ye Qiu breathed a puff of smoke. "Hey, while you're here, help me with name ideas. I wanted to go with Dusty Desert Leaf, but Wenqing says that's a dumb name."

Okay, Ye Qiu was definitely kidding with him. Dusty Desert Leaf? No serious person would name their kid that. "I am too." He decided to play along to get his revenge.

Ye Qiu looked at him like he was crazy. "Are you stupid? That's not a very good name. This must be why you guys lost the championships."

Zhang Jiale's felt a vein pulse on his forehead. "I meant, I'm pregnant too."

"Oh? Who's the lucky mother or father?"

Did he actually believe that he was pregnant? Or maybe this was some sort of reverse psychology bluff? He decided to keep going with the act.

"It's you."

Ye Qiu nearly dropped his cigarette with a surprised yelp.

"Since when?!"

"Since after the championships. You drank some champagne and we... did some things together." Actually Ye Qiu had fallen asleep after the championship match and his team had promptly dragged their captain to bed. But of course,Ye Qiu wouldn't remember that.

Ye Qiu gasped, fully letting the cigarette drop from his mouth. He hurriedly stamped it out with his foot. When the fire was out, Ye Qiu turned to him. "Let's get married."

Huh. So maybe Ye Qiu wasn't kidding around after all.

(7)

Senior Ye Qiu was the glory textbook. He was a tactical genius with both the hand speed and power to match. He was everything that Yu Wenzhou looked up to. Yu Wenzhou supposed that Senior Ye studied Glory meticulously in order to accumulate his extensive knowledge. That's why he was surprised to one day see Ye Qiu not immersed in studying Glory but instead poring over a baby magazine.

The god in question looked up. "Oh. Captain Yu."

"Captain Ye. What are you looking at?" Perhaps some strategy to be gained from studying the behavior of children?

"Mm. I'm contemplating baby names for my children. Zhang Jiale doesn't want to go with Hundred Dazzling Leaves of Autumn even though it's a perfectly good name."

"It's your child? With Zhang Jiale?"

"Yeah. He's pregnant with my child. So is Han Wenqing. That's how I got married to the two of them." He flipped another page of the baby magazine and cooed over the cute baby clothing.

Maybe... his senior was smart in Glory but painfully naive in real life? That was... surprisingly cute though...

Yu Wenzhou came back to team Blue Rain with an announcement. "I guess I'm pregnant now."

"Wait. Wait, Captain, what? You're a guy! You can't just decide to pregnant! Where would the baby even come out of? Whose child would it even be?" Huang Shaotian was the only voice in the room. Everyone else had gone speechless.

Yu Wenzhou smiled brilliantly. "It's Ye Qiu's. We got married today." He held up his hand, showing off a sparkling ring on his finger.

"What? Captain, no fair! PKPKPK with me! I was going to propose tomorrow!" Huang Shaotian gathered up his jacket and slung a scarf around his head. "OLD YEEE!" He screeched, dashing out the door. "Wait for me! I'm pregnant too!"

(8)

"Yo. Big-eye. What'd you want to meet me here for?"

They were meeting at a restaurant located at the top of the tallest building in Hangzhou. Wang Jiexi had heard that those Blue Rain chumps had taken Ye Qiu out for lunch while they were here, and so of course he needed to blow those two out of the park by taking Ye Qiu to an exclusive five star restaurant.

"I wanted to spend some time with you."

Wang Jiexi was paying, and Ye Xiu wasn't one to refuse free food, so he shrugged and easily accepted this explanation.

After eating lunch, they went window shopping at a luxury department store, and Ye Xiu seemed to linger longer than usual in the children's clothing sections.

He held up a pair of blue pajamas decorated with fishes and water bubbles.

"Wouldn't this be an perfect for my little One Autumn Swoksleaf?" He then saw another pair decorated with wet puppy dogs. "And this one for little Leafy Troubles."

"Uh... who?" Please don't let him have a love child hidden away somewhere.

"My children with Yu Wenzhou and Huang Shaotian. They're pregnant. We're still deciding on names, but those are some of the finalists."

Pregnant? No, that was impossible. But at the same time... he was not about to let his Blue Rain rivals one-up him.

"Twins."

"What?"

"I'm having twins."

Ye Xiu went still. "Twins?"

"Yes. They're yours."

Ye Xiu shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe that I'm not even twenty-four and already have six buns baking in the oven." He took Wang Jiexi by the hand. "Come on, let's go."

"Go to..?"

"The marriage registration office and the jewelry store of course. Walk slowly. We don't want to hurt the twins."

Ha. Take that chumps.

(9)

Zhou Zekai was not feeling very well after his match against Excellent Era. His stomach hurt and he had lost his match and he dreaded going out to meet the media who would flash cameras in his face.

He stumbled around backstage of stadium Excellent Era looking for the infirmary and came across Ye Qiu, scribbling something on a pad of paper.

He looked up. "Oh, Xiao Zhou. I was just thinking about names. It's quite hard to come up with two names using Vaccaria. What do you think? Maybe I should go with Big Eyetumn Leaf and Little Eyetumn Leaf after all?"

Zhou Zekai couldn't care less about some weird names or whatever. He wanted to lay down somewhere, and maybe drink some fizzy soda. "Senior..." he said, clutching his hurting stomach.

Ye Qiu's eyes were drawn to his hand. "Oh dear. You too?"

Zhou Zekai nodded. He had seen some of their junior members rush off to the infirmary too, but he had lost them when his stomach cramped up painfully.

Ye Qiu suddenly grabbed him by the hand and started dragging him off.

"Senior... where?"

"To the marriage registration office. Don't worry, I'll marry you properly."

Oh. Suddenly, his stomach felt a lot better.

(10)

 _Glory Pro Alliance Group Chat_

 **Troubling Rain:**

Breaking News!

Ye Qiu, Captain of Excellent Era for 8 years, retires!

Excellent Era announced early this morning that Captain Ye Qiu retired from the Pro Alliance...Read more

 **Troubling Rain: One Autumn Leaf One Autumn Leaf One Autumn Leaf** PKPKPKPKPK what is this bullhsit this is the fakest retirement Ive ever seen explain!

 **Zhang Jiale:** ^*bullshit

 **Troubling Rain: Zhang Jiale** fck you. why are you even still here youre even more fake retired

 **Zhang Jiale:** hey I haven't been kicked yet

 **Desert Dust: One Autumn Leaf** explain

 **Vaccaria: One Autumn Leaf** explain +1

 **Zhang Jiale: One Autumn Leaf** explain +2

 **Cloud Piercer:** (｀^´) +3

 **Swoksaar: One Autumn Leaf** explain +1

 **Troubling Rain:** Ahahaha captain you're too slow

 **Swoksaar:** **Troubling Rain** Training, 5 hours.

 **Troubling Rain:** Urgh...

 **Troubling Rain:** Wait **One Autumn Leaf** you're retirement means that you can finally come live with us. Don't you miss your two loving husbands?! Come to Blue Rain!

 **Zhang Jiale** : ^*your

 **Zhang Jiale:** And Ye Qiu should come live with me. We'll live our happy married life in retirement.

 **Vaccaria:** **One Autumn Leaf** should come to Tiny Herb. As his most loyal husband, I would best appreciated him.

 **Desert Dust:** Come to Tyranny. Your husband commands it.

 **Immovable Rock:** Captain, the fans would riot if we brought Ye Qiu here.

 **Cloud Piercer:** ...Samsara.

 **Empty Waves:** Uhh... Captain says Ye Qiu should come to Samsara and that he would gladly share his bed with his husband.

 **Windy Rain:** OMG how did I arrive so late. **Dancing Rain Firebird Messenger** It's like a drama. Bring the popcorn.

 **Dancing Rain:** All of you stop fighting! Ye Qiu was my brother-in-law first! D:

 **Windy Rain:** Mumu, you too?

 **Dancing Rain:** Just looking out for my brother's wife ;)

 **Firebird Messenger:** OWO need more popcorn

 **One Autumn Leaf:** STOP PINGING ME go away you old farts I'm not married to anyone

 **Troubling Rain:** Who are you you arent Ye Qiu PKPKPKPKPK

 **Troubling Rain:** Oh shit ur that Sun Xiang kid. U changed ur name already? How conceited! Give us back our husband!

 **Troubling Rain:** Old Ye! Where are you?! You wouldn't leave your pregnant husband all alone would you?

 **Desert Dust:** You wouldn't leave your pregnant husband all alone would you? +1

 **Zhang Jiale:** You wouldn't leave your pregnant husband all alone would you? +2

 **Vaccaria:** You wouldn't leave your pregnant husband all alone would you? +3

 **Cloud Piercer:** (｀^´) +4

 **Swoksaar:** You wouldn't leave your pregnant husband all alone would you? +2

 **Firebird Messenger:** ...

 **Firebird Messenger:** mpreg is real?!

(11)

Ye Qiu somehow tracked him down the day after the tenth server opened.

"Shameless brother! Why is it that you still create such a stir when you're retiring?! And why are there rumors that you're married?!"

Ye Xiu was still tired from playing all night on the tenth server. He forgot how much of a bro-con his little brother was and carelessly said, "Yeah, I have 6 husbands already. And 7 kids."

"WHAT?!"

(12)

"Stupid idiot shameless naive brother! They're all tricking you! Men can't get pregnant!"

"Don't be silly Qiu-di, they can't all be crossdressers."

Ye Qiu facepalmed. "Who let you get married to all of them? The law says you can only have one spouse at a time!"

Ye Xiu shrugged. "I don't know. No one ever said anything like that when I married them."

Ye Qiu suddenly grabbed his brother by the arm and started dragging him out. Ye Xiu stumbled along beside him. "Slow down! Where are we going?"

"Marriage registration office. We're picking up divorce papers."

(13)

"Oh, if isn't it Xiao Ye. Who have you brought with you this time?"

Ye Xiu greeted the marriage registration office secretary with a smile. "Sister Lin, hello again." He stepped aside, showing Ye Qiu. "This is my younger twin brother, Ye Qiu."

She gasped. "Twincest?"

Ye Qiu glared at her. "We're here to pick up divorce papers."

"Let me guess, 'No one can marry my older brother except for me!'"

Ye Qiu flushed. "N-no! Just hurry up and give us the divorce papers already!"

The secretary gloomily handed them the papers. "All my hard work, erased. Now where will I get ideas for my fanfics?"

Ye Qiu glared again. They found the culprit.

(14)

 _Husbands + brother_

 **Ye Xiu:** all husbands, my brother requests a mandatory meeting in Hangzhou.

 **Ye Qiu:** You are all despicable scums for tricking my brother! I demand that you get divorced!

 **Huang Shaotian:** Old Ye! What do you mean by divorce?! You can't divorce someone who's pregnant with your child!

 **Zhang Jiale:** You can't divorce someone who's pregnant with your child! +1

 **Zhou Zekai:** ( ｀^´) +2

 **Yu Wenzhou:** +ID number

 **Ye Qiu:** Pregnant my foot! Stop tricking my innocent and naive Xiu-ge! Where are these supposed children you have, hmm?!

 **Ye Xiu:** Qiu is right for once! Where are my children?

 **Han Wenqing:** It hasn't been born yet. I'm still pregnant.

 **Ye Xiu:** Old Han, you've been pregnant for 6 years! D:

 **Ye Qiu:** DIVORCE

 **Huang Shaotian:** Brother-in-law Ye Qiu I dare you to PKPKPKPK me

 **Ye Qiu:** Don't call me brother-in-law! Rather than fight me, you guys should all brawl to the death! The law says you can only be married to one person at a time!

 **Yu Wenzhou:** Calm down brother-in-law. No need to fight to the death.

 **Han Wenqing:** In other words, I only need to prove that I am the worthiest husband.

 **Huang Shaotian:** PKPKPKPK I'll fight you for Ye Xiu! PKPKPKPK

 **Zhang Jiale:** I'm going to win this Ye Xiu cup!

 **Yu Wenzhou:** I look forward to this competition.

 **Wang Jiexi:** Our marriage need only be recognized by the lord, but I will not lose to Blue Rain nor to anyone else.

 **Zhou Zekai:** (ง'̀-'́)ง

 **Ye Xiu:** Yo, when did this turn into a battle?

 **Ye Qiu:** Next Sunday, Hangzhou, 7pm. I'll be the judge of who can marry my brother.

(15)

Everyone sat around the large round table at the restaurant in a private room that Ye Qiu had booked.

The four members of the younger generation were all sitting next to their respective captains and looked at each other with pitying eyes. So you guys were dragged into this mess too?

Ye Qiu was at the head of the table, looming over everyone with his presence. With narrowed eyes, his gaze swept over the gathered husbands, landing on Zhou Zekai.

"I don't like this one. He's too shiny, doesn't say anything, and he did not bring any children." He slammed down divorce papers with a loud slap on the table. "DIVORCED!"

"Senior... QAQ," Zhou Zekai whimpered.

"I can't believe you lied to me. Little One Cloud Pierces the Leaves would be disappointed in you, Xiao Zhou."

Ye Qiu then turned to the other childless husband. "You also didn't bring a child. And, from my thorough research, you have a cloud of misfortune hanging about you. My brother can only be married to the best." He slammed down more documents. "DIVORCED!"

Zhang Jiale looked sulkily at his competition. It wasn't fair, those guys could all steal kids from their training camps, while he and Zhou Zekai didn't have anyone suitable to bring.

(16)

Ye Xiu sighed at his brother's commotion. "Don't scare the children. Let's have proper introductions for them, shall we?"

Han Wenqing went first. "This is S-Han Qiying."

The younger generation had a collective sweatdrop. Did they really think that Ye Qiu- or was it Ye Xiu?- or whatever would really believe that thinly veiled guise?

Ye Xiu pouted. "You didn't use any of the names I thought up."

That out of everything was what he noticed?

"So you play striker like your father?"

Apparently, Ye Xiu, despite his godlike aptitude for Glory, was kind of stupid.

Qiying hesitantly nodded.

"Do you have video?"

He tapped on his mobile and pulled up a video from training the other day to show Ye Xiu. Ye Xiu watched the video intently.

"This... are you sure he's mine? He plays a lot like Zhang Xinjie... Gasp, Old Han, have you been cheating on me?"

Ye Qiu butted in before Han Wenqing could get in a reply. "DIVORCED!"

(17)

Next were Yu Wenzhou and Huang Shaotian.

Ye Qiu narrowed his eyes at the duo. "You two were both supposedly pregnant, and yet you only bring one child?"

Lu Hanwen was shivering, caught between the two cold auras of his captain and Ye Qiu.

Yu Wenzhou put on a serene smile. "Yu Hanwen is mine. Shaotian... unfortunately had a miscarriage."

Shaotian grumbled off to the side muttering something about captain cheating at rock paper scissors.

"You play Glory too, right?" asked Ye Xiu, "What class?"

"Blade...master..."

"Gasp, Yu Wenzhou, you've been cheating on me with my other husband?"

"DIVORCED! BOTH OF YOU!"

"Goddammit captain! I told you I should've been the one to bring Hanwen! PKPKPK!"

(18)

Then the only one left was Wang Jiexi. Ye Qiu scrutinized the remaining captain and his supposed children.

"This is Wang Yifan, and this is Wang Yingjie. They're twins."

"Capt-ow!" Gao Yingjie felt a foot kick his shin under the table. "Er... F-father. We aren't actually..."

Wang Jiexi smiled as he cut off his 'son'. "They're twins."

"Yifan is actually older than me by five mon-"

"Yifan is older by five minutes."

"Captain, we're too old-"

"They're two years old."

At least Ye Qiu couldn't be believing this, right? They were too big to be two years old.

Indeed, Ye Qiu was inspecting the two young players intently.

"Hmm, kids sure do grow up fast these days."

"..."

Okay, so maybe besides sharing DNA, Ye Qiu also shared his brother's stupidity.

Ye Xiu looked up at Ye Qiu with hearts in his eyes. "Qiu, they're so cute. They _have_ to be mine. Twins run in the family too."

Ye Qiu couldn't refuse his brother when he looked at him like that. "I guess the darker haired one looks kind of like you," he begrudgingly admitted.

Yifan and Yingjie looked at each other incredulously. Don't give up so easily, Uncle Qiu!

(19)

"Yingjie, you've got quite the talent there. You will grow into a fine player."

"R-really?"

"Of course, you're my child after all. You take after both Big-eye and me in that regard."

"Uh... okay..."

"And Yifan, you have exceptional perception of the whole field. Why hasn't your father given you a class with more control skills?!"

"I- you really think so?"

"Don't worry, your other father will get you a new account and teach you properly. You too, Xiao Jie."

The two 'twins' looked at each other. Being Ye Xiu's kids couldn't be too bad if they were to be personally coached by him, right?

""Father, please teach us!""

(20)

Ye Xiu, Ye Qiu, Gao Yingjie, Qiao Yifan, and Wang Jiexi walked out of the restaurant to go buy new account cards and find an internet cafe somewhere to start playing, leaving behind a table full of pro-players and the two leftover from the younger generation stewing in jealousy.

Wang Jiexi glanced over his shoulder at his former competition as he left. He smirked and waved with his left hand, making sure to show off Ye Xiu's wedding ring. 'I win,' he mouthed before wrapping an arm around Ye Xiu's waist and leading him away.

* * *

And the moral of the story is: sex ed is important kids

Also should be noted- author does not condone marriage based in lies and false pregnancies. please and thank


End file.
